Can anyone say "nervous breakdown"?

I had a full blown, outrageously silly, soap-opera-worthy meltdown this week. Why, you ask? Well, apparently the straw that broke the camel's back was that my husband didn't fluff the clothes before he folded them and they were a bit wrinkly! Of course, this horrifying turn of events wasn't the REAL cause for my distress. To briefly summarize the previous five days, I would have to say that they basically sucked majorly. One of my children had to be hospitalized for a couple days; which mentally, physically and financially strained our family. The house was in disarray and we were having company the next day, and so of course I made an already tough week worse by shutting my youngest daughter's finger in the front door while letting the dog in. This in turn, resulted in spending yet another entire day at doctor's/hospital. Just when I thought it truly couldn't get any worse, I arrived home to realize I had missed a detrimental appointment for my job, my to-do list had not miraculously checked itself off in my absence, and my children were hungry and in pain. My wonderful husband came home from a long stressful day at work and jumped right in to help. In my exhausted, overwrought haze I suppose I didn't realize I was attacking the only human being on earth who has loved me unconditionally over the state of the LAUNDRY (the most inconsequential item on the list)! Go figure. He did not receive my constructive criticism very well and a lovely discussion ensued, with the end result being my ultimate meltdown.
As a general rule, I pride myself in the fact that I can roll with the punches. I mean, seriously, if God has gotten me through the trials and tribulations of my childhood and my monumental mistakes of early adulthood, then I know I can rely on Him no matter what. Normally, I am unflustered in emergencies, unflappable while in a crisis, unshakable during an earthquake (I think I would be, anyhow). You get the idea. What was different on this day? I thought about it that night as I tried not to be ashamed of my behavior and guilty for letting down my family and cancelling on my company. I suppose everyone has their breaking point, but I honestly realized that I had not talked to Jesus that day. He was on the back burner. I had more pressing things to do. Well DUH-HUH...as John-Boy and Billy would say! If I have learned anything at all in my (almost 40) years, I have learned that He is my source of strength, joy, peace and...well...everything else. He is my all. Without Him, I would have and be nothing. So, the lesson here is PUT HIM FIRST. In all things, at all times. There is no excuse for not reading His word, talking to Him about your day, your doubts, for following your own desires instead of His commandments. Note to self: when in trouble, pray double.

I'm thankful for date night

Date night is here! Sadly, as parents, active church members, employees, children & grandchildren sometimes these responsibilities overwhelm us & we forget to spend ALONE TIME having fun together! Our love is so strong, such a blessing; & a true extension of God's love for each of us. However, we can definitely be susceptible to all the crazy busy-ness of this life & get irritable with each other or take each other for granted. I am forever grateful that my husband enjoys spending time with me-that we can still have great conversation, laugh with each other, & revel in comfortable silence. It's an amazing miracle to share this connection with someone in this life. Not to be too mushy, but this love brings tears to my eyes on a daily basis & the only thing more moving is what Jesus did for us on the cross. Ironic that just 5 years ago I thought I was happy being single & independent & figured I would stay that way for a long time...little did I know! I should have realized that God always has a better plan for your life than you could ever imagine! Enjoy each season of your life for what it teaches you & the special moments it will bring, just remember to be open to all the new & exciting curves in the road. My journey has brought me much heartache & I have the scars to prove it, but it has also taken me to the most beautiful places on earth & taught me about who I am and WHOSE I am so I wouldn't trade it with anyone. Date night reminds me I am blessed & thankful & will always remain in the shelter of the arms of the One who loves me more than anyone.

Identity crisis

God so loved me that He sent Jesus to die for me, even knowing all the sin in my life, poor choices I would make, & foolishness in my youth (& beyond!). This is why I must NOT allow any of these mistakes or sins drag me down or define me!! If He, in His infinite wisdom, says I am a beautiful & new creation, who am I to dispute that??? If we walk around with a chip on our shoulder, carrying past hurts & mess-ups, living in the past or, most likely, dragging it around behind us then our life must be like a slap in God's face! I refuse to let others in my past (or present) tell me I am unworththy, either outright or by the manner they treat me! Oh how I wish I had learned this much earlier in life; however I have NO REGRETS. To paraphrase Oprah, when you know better, you do better. All of life's storms & led me to this shore. I am a child of the King! I have Jesus in my heart! I have the Holy Spirit to guide me! Then He really blows my mind once I get that & start living it & blesses me with the most amazing husband who is a true extension of His love for me. Please let go of the past & surrender your life to Jesus. The wonder of what He can do with a sinner like me is truly a miracle. He can forgive-can you?

out of wit?

Maybe i'm just too tired & frazzled currently, but I haven't posted anything in forever. I don't feel particularly witty or even semi-entertaining lately. Actually, I'm not very much fun right now. I am usually so enthusiastic. Fishing, riding motorcycles, taking girls to the park or on a hike: these are the things I love. Maybe the lack of time to do these things lately has me in a funk. Whatever it is, I'm gonna shake it QUICK. In the meantime, I am going to go clean my house so hopefully I will have time for some of these activities this week! My baby girl (oldest of the baby girls) turns 19 Saturday!! 19?? I am speechless. But proud. She is a gem. Hold on mamas...they grow up in a flash!!!

thankful

My kids are awesome! I know most moms say that; I'll bet a good half of them actually mean it...but mine really are-NO REALLY! With one in college(Kayla), one in high school(Kara), & one in diapers(Avery), it can be an adventure (aka nuthouse) here at times. We call it fun chaos and most of the time it is pretty fun. Wild, exhausting, goofy fun. Who knew being parents could be this good? Who knew being married could be this amazing? Who knew life could turn out so blessed for a girl from such a broken background? NOT ME! God keeps His promises & gives us our hearts desires when we put our faith in Him!! That's what I remember when the baby has learned to take off her diaper (yes, a poopy one!!) and run around the house; when the almost 19 yr old STILL hasn't found a job and needs money again; when the high schooler withdraws after spouting off and acts like she HATES her parents with a passion unbeknownst to anyone else. I remember that we are giving these beautiful girls a childhood we never knew. They know stability. They know they are loved above all else. Peace, joy & contentment are the norm! A lifestyle I wasn't sure existed is now a gift Brad & I give to these beautiful children daily. There are no fights, drunken brawls, broken promises, wondering where we would be living from week to week. We may not have a whole lot compared to some people, but we are still proud and happy. We love what we do have. It's far more exciting to us than a new car, designer clothes, or nice furniture (which we would LOVE to have, by the way). It's why we're here. God has done a miracle in our lives and we continue to stand in awe of this little family that could. He looks past all the baggage from our upbringing, dysfunction, mistakes & flaws and loves us unconditionally. WOW! Life is good. And this girl won't forget it!

Everything wears me out lately. There are 3 billion things on the to-do list and it just keeps growing. I'm so overwhelmed I have been procrastinating and stressing and not sleeping well which is only making it worse! I have made it such a priority to live a healthy, joyful, balanced life and it feels like a huge failure to admit I am not pulling it together. Since I know God is control, it is silly to let the "stuff" in life get the best of me. So why does it? I recite Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future". This helps me take a deep breath, see all the amazing blessings he has poured out on me, and know it will be okay. The panicky moments that overtake me too often these days embarrass me and leave me drained emotionally & physically. Finishing a thought from beginning to end is a tough task these days, let alone an entire project. I keep telling myself that as the baby gets a bit older it will be easier, but what about all the stuff that needs to happens NOW? My relationship with Jesus is better than ever, I absolutely love and adore my family, the house, my job is great. So where is this constant exhaustion stemming from from? As I read over this it makes me cringe to sound so whiny, but I promised myself I would be real and honest in this blog, so I guess someone should call the wahhhh-mbulance. Time to kick out all this stinkin thinkin and focus on the good! My next post is going to be all about my amazing, beautiful family, which will no doubt be much more cheerful!

Bear with me, it's my first ever blog. I have journaled off an on throughout my life as a way to clear my head. I follow & enjoy several other blogs ranging every subject from fishing to Jesus to randomness to motherhood. I want to tell the story of a journey. The journey of Esther. It's hard to know whether to start from the beginning, where I am now, or to define the dreams I have in my heart of where I am going in the coming years. As a 38 year old child of God, wife, mother of 3 daughters, part time dr assistant, business owner, etc... I feel that I have gained a wealth of knowledge yet have many lessons to learn. I have been described as sweet, fun, smart, kind, gracious & a tom-boy. I see myself as a damaged but forgiven overcomer whom God has never left or forsaken. Thankfully He made me with a love for people, the outdoors & life itself so I would never consider giving up even when it really was the most appealing option. I have a zest for life & peace about my past that truly does pass all understanding. I have been blessed enough to have some amazing people placed in my life along the way to guide me. My ramblings will include parts of this amazing story that is my life thus far, random thoughts about nothing, & hopes and dreams for the future. It may be boring, goofy, sad, triumphant, whiny or worthwhile...we'll just have to wait & see.